No. No. No.No. 🙅🏾♀️A strong word that is important to use more often. For some people it is easy. For some others, it is more difficult to apply than expected.
I am considering myself somehow as a people pleaser. I don’t like arguments and upsetting people. I want to be liked and build harmony. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can attract people that take advantage of this. Unfortunately, because of my tendency of avoidance, many people came into my life and tried to get the best of me. I had to learn in very hard ways to speak up and have more boundaries. Simply say NO if I feel uncomfortable with different things.
‚Don’t say maybe, if you want to say NO‘
Today, I want to share with you, how I learned to say no and how that made me stronger than never before.
1. Figure out where it came from
What I mean by that, is to question yourself why it is so hard for you to say no more often.
That wasn’t hard for me to identify. My need for confirmation stems from my mother. I love her so much and she is a strong and caring women who raised three children in Germany in a time, where racism was much more widespread than today. 🇳🇬🇩🇪 It wasn’t easy for her. But over the years she became a people pleaser in order trying to fit in and don’t become a target for people who want to cause problem. She just wanted to live in peace, without ignorance and racism towards her.
When that was her strategy to survive in this country, it worked and I am proud of her! It can be one thing, to assimilate to another culture, and another thing, when you loose your morals and values, only to avoid trouble. Of course, watching your parent act a certain way, does something with you. In my case, I tend to do so much for other people, so that they can feel comfortable, no matter how I feel. The fact that I am a highly sensitive person, does not make it any easier.
2. Find ‚role models‘
Are you familiar with ‚Annalise Keating‚ ? She is the main character from the hit show ‚How to get away with murder‘. She embodies confidence, strenght, intelligence and boldness. For her, it was easy to say ’no‘ and just get what she wanted and what she thought it is right. On the flipside, she came off as crucial and cold. That was one thing, I didn’t liked. I have a big heart, and that is good that way. But what I did learn from this fictional character, is to raise your voice. It is okay to ruffle some feathers. Not everybody is going to like what you are saying. Do you really want to live a shallow life? Or do you want to have people around you, who are willing to listen to what you want to say and are not bothered if you have another opinion. I lost my friendship with someone, when she noticed that I speak more what is on my mind and when I became more blunt and direct, instead of beating around the bush. I was painful, but I wanted to live my truth. With everyone and everywhere.
3.Work on your Self-worth
When you feel not worthy of saying no, and if you have the feeling that other people want to depend on you, remember that you can only take care of others, if you can take care of yourself and treat yourself good. Some tips to achieve that:
-> Make a list with all the things that are important to you
-> Make a list with things you need time alone for
-> Journal everyday for 15 minutes and write down, what you are thankful for and what you want to change in the future. You can find a good journal here:https://amzn.to/2xXPaFG *
When you get to know yourself better, it becomes more easier to filter, what you agree to do and what not to. I know, that I am a person who recharges, if I am alone for some time. I like having company, but it stresses me out and after meeting a group of friends, I need at least one week to become more relaxed again. It wasn’t always like that, but I changed slowly and that is okay. I took me a while to accept it, because I do have some friends that always need to be surrounded of many people. Now, I can reject more easily an invitation to the next dinner party.
4. Ask yourself following question:
Is it worth it, to loose your own happiness, just for another person??
It can be satisfying to see others react positively to your passiveness.But many people will use this trait of you and will manipulate you into doing things where you feel very uncomfortable. I had to learn in the hard way, but I am so proud of myself to let go of „friends“ and relatives who sucked almost the life of me. It won’t be easy and people will call you selfish, egoistic and mean. They will say that you have changed. Do you know what you should reply to it?
Yes, I did!And that is good that way. 😀
Do you have similar problems with saying no? Share your experience below👇🏾
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